Forget Kenyan Elections, Zimbabwe is the real deal

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July 2, 2013 By NqabaM

Kenya held its elections this year and what a bore they were.

International media hounds landed in Kenya expecting a bloodbath. They had probably taken conflict management courses, done a few military drills and a few other such courses ready for the war that would erupt in Kenya.

But what a bore the election was peaceful and the only dramatic thing there was that there was no drama.

However, there is no need to despair. These journos can catch a flight to Zimbabwe and I promise them drama in all shapes and sizes.

Just recently a Zimbabwean Presidential candidate, Kissnot Mkwazhi (yes that is his name) approached the courts demanding that the government fund his party.

Kissnot said his party was wholly Zimbabwean and if the government failed to fund it, he will have no choice but approach the Taliban. Now that is unbridled drama. I guess the Americans are now poring over their intelligence data wondering how they did not have Kissnot on their radar all along.

With his Taliban remark, I think Kissnot should be a favourite candidate for the western media, and of course the CIA.

In his court application, Kissnot was supported by one Egypt Dzinemunenzwa, an unkempt and shabby guy, who regularly participates in elections and regularly loses.

Egypt (again that is his real name) has no chance in hell whatsoever of winning any election and I bet if there was a polling station in his homestead he would lose comfortably.

Kissnot, who is developing a reputation of not being the savviest diplomat, wrote to South African President Jacob Zuma informing him of how he could help Zimbabwe’s mess.

“We don’t want in strongest terms bombs to enhance power transfer,” Kissnot wrote to Zuma, literally murdering the English language.

“This is not a call for interference to our home affair, but a call to help your needy small brother Zimbabwe to be economically, political and socially stabilise.”

As his diplomatic offensive rages on, Kissnot pleads with Zuma to ensure that Zimbabwe becomes “a member of the gold BRICK just like” South Africa.

I am certain Kissnot meant Brics, an acronym for the emerging markets, Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa, but then again, who am I.

As a parting shot, Kissnot has some advice for Zuma on how to deal with Mugabe, who has been in power for 33 years and is gunning for five more years in power.

He asks Zuma to enjoin his “counterparty our President Cde RG Mugabe that he has done a lot of good to us as his children as Zimbabweans, but his further stay in power will erode more of our independency gain”.

I am not so sure Zuma read the letter or if he did, if he understood a word, but at least Kissnot is reaching out to the international community.

While the attention is on President Robert Mugabe and his long-time nemesis Morgan Tsvangirai, I think they are looking in the wrong places.

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